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Loneliness echoes in the silence that keeps me company,
the beating of my heart, deafeningly loud

memories of us etched in the wrinkles on my face
now, fading away… like a passing cloud

my body as bare as my mind and my soul,
lifeless and lost in my dreams

so many long years, in the blink of an eye
disintegrating into noiseless screams…


How often do we come across someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with? And yet, sometimes, things don’t go the way we thought they would. The ever growing cracks in the most important relationship in our lives start to weaken everything that we touch. And then, parting ways, may be even for a while, seems like the only way to prevent any further damage.  But going through a separation can never be easy.  There are a few things though, that you can do to separate the pain from the separation. Although not completely, you can make this painful process hurt a little less.

Make sure this is it: Tried everything else to make it work? Alright, if this is the only way you both can have a better life, take the step, but once you’ve taken it, don’t question your judgement. Don’t look back and wonder. Doubting yourself will only cause a panic attack making you more vulnerable to do something worse! Just move forward.

Part peacefully: This might seem almost impossible… depending on the reason for separation (how do you part peacefully with a person who cheated on you?) Well, it can still be done, may be after you’ve gotten a hold of your emotions and have come to terms with the fact that it’s time to move on. But if your case isn’t this extreme, try to be as civil as possible. After all, you don’t want their last memory of you (and vice versa) to be a bitter one?! But doing so not only helps you keep your dignity, it helps you move on faster. You’ll have one less person to forgive (yourself) when you’re letting go of your past.

Move out of your house: If your spouse has moved out when you separated,  but you still continue living in the house you both stayed in together, it’ll be very difficult for you to move on. A place full of your partner’s memories can be overwhelming and suffocating if you’re trying to get over them. Their constant presence in your daily activities will slow down your healing process. So, if you can, move out…at least for a while. If you can’t afford another place, ask a friend for a favor..till you feel strong enough to be on your own back in the same house.

Remember- everything is a choice: The way you both decided to handle your relationship, the decision to part ways, everything that you did, and are still doing is a matter of choice. You have to consciously choose to accept your decision and overcome the guilt you might be feeling coz you gave up. May be you can choose to be together again tomorrow..or may be you’ll choose another partner that you can have a better relationship with.
Either way, you can always choose to be happy. And you owe it to yourself to choose happiness.

Keep the good ones: Whether or not you decide to patch up, remember only the good times. Remember how their smile lifted your spirit, how they made your day no matter how crappy it was, how you both loved to try new cuisines…the list is endless! Remembering only the good things about them will reduce the pain the bad memories bring. Train your mind to sharpen the focus only on the happy stuff each time they come to your mind, and blur the bad times. In case you decide to get together with your partner again, do the same process. It’ll prevent you from bringing up how they hurt you years ago, in any future fights that you might have. It’ll also help you appreciate what you love about them a little more by keeping it fresh in your mind.

One last thing to remember…tomorrow is a brand new day, and love will find a way to find you!

Ever tried doing something? Of course you did! But then what happened? You did it? or you didn’t. Or you kept ‘trying’ to do it for a long long time. But here’s what matters:- while you were trying to do it, what was happening? What was the result? What happens when someone says they’ll try to make it for your party (or when you say it?!)

So what really counts is the result. Irrespective of the amount of effort you might be putting in, if it isn’t getting you where you wanna be, what’s the point? May be you need to change your tactics…or may be even change your goal. But, move…now! Coz the truth is, if you really want it, you’ll find a way to get it. And if you haven’t gotten it yet…hmmm.

So here’s an exercise for you:- take a pencil and place it on a table in front of you, now try lifting the pencil off the table with your hand. Go ahead, try it. NO, don’t pick it up, just ‘try’ to pick it up. Nah, come on! Don’t leave it on the table, ‘try’ to pick it up!! No?? So much for all the trying we fool ourselves into believing! Ah, well…. 😉

We all tell stories. And we tell most of the stories to ourselves. Stories that are one dimensional. Stories that we invent to help us deal with the guilt, the pain..the fear..that our past leaves us with. Some stories are years long, others are one-liners!

In some stories, we end up making ourselves the others we are the victim. And over time, telling ourselves the same stories, reliving them in our heads and hearts over and over again, the stories become our reality. We become the people we’ve made ourselves to be in these stories. And what we made up in the stories starts to happen…again.

But…are they real? Or are we just living our ‘blinded by emotions we can’t deal with’ perspective? And getting sucked deeper into the fiction that we call life?

what's the story you're telling yourself?

We live by comparison.

Everything we experience is understood in relation to something we experienced in the past. Relationships, places, chewing gum…everything! When we like a pair of flip flops or dislike our boss, it’s coz our mind has already drawn up similarities or differences from our past (based on our way of thinking) and we get drawn towards or repelled by the qualities of these new experiences accordingly. And once we’ve experienced something, we are never the same person, we get altered. We can’t “unknow” something and the need to have the best drives our minds to compare. We experience everything in degrees.

So when you realize that you love someone, do you love them more than you did before…or more than you love someone else..coz they are wonderful, beautiful or whatever you find them to be..based only on your idea of these qualities!  The truth is, anything is meaningless without a frame of reference. But this frame of reference is very personal..each of us has a different one.

So then… do we ever experience anything in it’s ‘absolute’ness?
Or are we just puppets of our conditioning and like Einstein said,
“It’s all relative!”

Well, I guess this one is absolute… relatively speaking of course 😉

I believe that our wounds carry in them, the power to heal. All we have to do is open up.

As a counselor, I help my clients work through a variety of issues. But one thing is common. They all need to be healed. And the process of healing is a difficult one. You can’t heal anything by hiding. And this applies to all kinds of wounds..physical and emotional.

For something to heal, you have to clean it first, and this is probably the most painful part, where they have to go into your wound to disinfect it. But once that’s done, it’s all TLC. One of my clients is a 12 year old girl Tikki* who’s dealing with the death of her only sister, who was also her best friend. Death of  a loved one, sudden or not, is a traumatic experience. It alters our core, it makes us humble, and it makes us realize that we don’t have forever. But how do you fill the “void”?

Each of us has his own way, but the void needs to be acknowledged first. Venting is crucial. Bottling up emotions can be toxic. Emotions need to flow, and purging can take some time. Watching this 12 year old angel pick herself up has been an awe inspiring experience for me. It wasn’t easy, it never is. But it’s important, and she did it. She allowed herself to heal.

Healing takes courage, faith, patience..and above all, willingness. And since we have to begin some day, why not begin today?

*Thank you Tikki (nickname) for granting me permission to share your story with everyone.

I think my left brain is taking over!*  I seem to be developing a fondness for lists of late. Although making a list doesn’t guarantee getting the job done, it seems to trick my mind into believing that the work has at least begun! From regular simple to-do, gift, grocery, pros-n-cons lists to more complicated tables of two or more lists, I’ve got it all. So here’s another list, this one is about ‘the reasons for making lists’ 😉 wow, I think my left cerebral hemisphere just had a tiny orgasm!

1) Being a more “feeling” kinda person and inclined towards a haphazard way of functioning, I’ve realized that making lists has helped me structure my chaos. I’ m still a mess, but an organized mess 😀

2) Outsourcing memory! no need to put pressure on my walnut sized brain to remember anything anymore!

3) Looking at the list puts additional pressure on me to do what the list says instead of whiling away my time chasing butterflies ( oh, I’ve actually done that too..anything to escape!)

4) Lastly, and thankfully, I’ve actually managed to get things done, think clearer, and even sleep better knowing that my ‘guardian’ lists are watching over me.

ah! the gift of being organized…I know I won’t be ‘listless’ anymore 😉

*Although it doesn’t have “scientific validity” some researchers claim that despite being a part of a much larger cognitive system that produces unity of thought and action, the two hemispheres of the brain carry out specific functions differently. The dominance of the left hemisphere reflects in an analytical and logical way of functioning, whereas the so-called right brained people are more free-flowing and creative.

Ok, honestly, how many things on your to-do list do you get done?

Like me, I’m sure you sail pretty smoothly through most of them, but with some, it’s like getting stuck in quicksand! No matter how much time you have or how important these things might be, your mind always finds a way to avoid them, doesn’t it? Well that’s coz doing these things involves eating the frog..many times! Oh, in case you’re wondering about the’s from that chinese saying, “Eat the frog first thing in the morning..” which means, get done with your least favourite or most difficult task for the day as soon as you can, so it doesn’t keep hanging over your head. And once you are done with the worst, the rest of the day can only get better, right? Pretty logical I think. But there is another saying that I’d like to go with here, “easier said than done” 😛 Especially when it comes to filing your tax returns!! And trust me it’s tougher for self-employed folks. Even tougher when you have to chase people for your hard-earned money for services you rendered months ago. (all freelancers will agree with me!) But is doesn’t end here, there ought to be a list for these kinda things…

The official “Unable To-do” list:-
Tax Returns (eeeuurrgh!)
Get the people who owe me money, to pay up  (might need to find myself a ‘gunpoint’)
Work out..Everyday (5 mouthfuls of rocky road should qualify as exercise!)
Organize my desk, my wardrobe, my head and…my life (yea, right now, it’s a kitty tangled up in yarn)
Save money. (Afterall, it is a “savings” account!)

Now my focus is to associate all these things with some thing I love, hoping desperately, that it will motivate me to finally get these humongously unachievable tasks done! So I have made another list, a “to-have” list which has rewards for me, but only on the condition that I get through the “unable to-do” list. Like…a new pair of  pumps after I’ve sorted all my tax papers, a day at the spa after I’ve succeeded in getting atleast 5 of my payments cleared. Wow, I’m smiling already! This might actually work.

So..whaddya say my readers, all 11 of you, wanna make your lists too? 😉


In the gazillion lectures you’ve been given while growing up about how you must take your life seriously and become someone important, I’m sure you’ve been told that one must have a special quality..a spark that helps you shine brighter than others. That’s what all famous people have.

But that’s not true.. we all have a spark. The question is how bright does it burn and how long can it keep shining? That’s the special quality the successful ones have. But the reason they have it is coz they let their passion fuel their fire. We can only excel at something we love doing. The fire in most of us dies coz our rational, realistic and responsible thinking beats it to death. But, hey, it’s never too late 😉

A little matchstick can light up a tiny cubicle but can it help you cross a large valley on a pitch dark, windy night? Be the torch that never dies..find the passion that fuels you!

Let’s go on a trip! A trip back in time..where you get a second chance to do everything all over again. Now, if you really did get a chance like this, would you change anything? I m guessing most of us wouldn’t coz we know that we are the way we are today only coz of everything that has happened in the past. But yes, there are a few things we wish we could alter. For me, I wouldn’t change what happened, but I guess I would change the way some of it happened.

Unfortunateley a time machine doesn’t exist.. if you know of any, let me know 😉

But today is yet to happen! So are you making this choice of living your today in a particular way, while you still have it? If not, then give it some thought. We all have the opportunity to create our lives, quite literally, the way we want to. We can write our days as we live them moment by moment, IF we don’t allow our emotions or other people to dictate us! But the key to being able to accomplish this seemingly simple yet difficult task is living in retrospect!

The best perspective to have, according to me, is the “retrospective” one! It could be a few months or a few years, but if you look at NOW from some point in your future, it helps you to understand what really matters, whether or not your decision will have the impact you imagine it to have, and how significant or insignificant this experience is going to be! Haven’t you felt this way about quite a few decisions you took years ago? I bet you have more clarity now than you did back then. Coz the truth is, time changes everything..feelings fade, situations ease up, people forget. What seems like a mountain today, might look like a mole hill 5 years from now. And if  you still have any regrets about your decisions in the past, remember that you made them coz you felt that was the best you could do at that point in time! But sadly, as we know, you can’t go back to that point in time.

So today, when you have to make a choice, use your retrospective time machine to travel into your future and look back at your present, as if it has become your past! This is one trip that will definitely change your life! 🙂


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